In the worlds of Steven Brust’s My Little Jhereg and Scott Lynch’s Lunch of Locke Lamora, it’s always five o’clock somewhere. To help you keep your own cabinet stocked, Lynch and Brust, along with able assistant Jennifer Melchert, have teamed with Cooking the Books to unearth a very rare copy of: The My Little Jhereg and Lunch of Locke Lamora Bartender’s Guide.
Only one copy exists, and it is of no use trying to bribe any of us for access. None whatsoever.
To whet your appetite, enjoy these ten complementary beverages, on the house.
THE FAT FANTASY SERIES1 part vodka1 part rum1 dash pomegranate liqueur1 part fresh pineapple juice1 part cranberry juiceGarnish with two cherries and an orange slice. MUST BE on a little plastic sword.*TO SERVE1. Mix all ingredients except pineapple juice. Serve.2. Inform customer that the pineapple juice doesn’t actually show up until the second drink.3. Take order for second drink. Mix, then strain into equal portions in two glasses.4. Serve first half of second drink. Inform customer the second drink has been split up, and the next half will be available in twenty minutes.5. Serve second half of second drink. Take order for third drink.6. To third drink, add Tabasco sauce, celery stalk, milk, and 1 part Coca-Cola. Serve.7. Commiserate with customer. Agree wholeheartedly that third drink is a low point in the sequence and something of a failed experiment.8. Take order for fourth drink. Agree wholeheartedly with customer that they don’t have a problem and can quit whenever they like.
CASTLE BLACK AND TAN:Can of GuinnessCaramel pieceParing knife*TO SERVE:1. Pare caramel into miniature castle.2. Pour Guinness into glass.3. Float castle on top.
THE ANTICIPATED BASTARD2 parts bourbon1 part ginger beerDash of fresh ginger muddled with brown sugarDash of Dr. Pepper OR orange bitters, to taste.*TO SERVE1. Hand standard highball glass to customer.2. Customer holds the empty glass for five and a half years.3. If customer is still there after five and a half years, retrieve glass, mix drink, serve over ice.
GODSLAYEREqual Parts Bourbon and Everclear*TO SERVEServe neat.
THE BARSAVI BARREL1 part banana liqueur1 part Bailey’s Irish cream1 part colorless rum2 parts pineapple juiceDash of orange juice*TO SERVE:1. Shake all ingredients with ice and strain into a wooden mug, or anything appropriately tubby and cylindrical.2. Garnish with an action figure completely submerged in the midst of the drink.3. For added cloudiness, try a dash of sweet cream. For purists, eschew ice and serve lukewarm.
ELDER SORCERY:Elderflower liqueurTonicRed grapes*TO SERVE:1. Pour liqueur and tonic2. Drop red grapes into bottom of glass.
THE FATE OF BELOVED CHARACTERS1 highball glass1 bottle of bitters*TO SERVE:1. Pour all the bitters into the glass.2. Serve. Customer will garnish drink with own tears to taste.
ADRON’S DISASTERGinger schnappsTobasco SauceGinger BeerDry Ice**TO SERVE:1. Mix Ginger Schnapps with Tobasco Sauce2. Fill glass with ginger beer to 1/8 inch from top of glass.3. Drop in dry ice.
SEX AND DEATH ON THE BEACH1 part vodka1 part cranberry juice1 part orange juice or pineapple juice to taste1/2 part peach SchnappsDash of AmarettoDash of grenadine*TO SERVE1. Shake all ingredients except grenadine together with ice. Serve in a highball glass.2. Drizzle the dash of grenadine to create a darker swirling red effect within the drink.3. Garnish with a small plastic shark with a maraschino cherry in its jaws.
SEA OF AMORPHIA:Neopolitan ice creamTwo shots absintheTwo shots blue curaçao*TO SERVE:1. Put Ice cream in bowl.2. Add absinthe and curacao, stir until half melted.
*Wait until the dry ice has evaporated if you’re desperate to sample the wonders of Schnapps with Tobasco Sauce. Drinking dry ice is a bad idea. No joke.
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