Shira Lipkin: I admit that I haven’t thought much about what superheroes eat… Except that obviously Lex Luthor is super into cake.
Michael Damian Thomas: Clearly they *all* eat meatballs, as our press is called Meatball Trouble Productions.
And Based on nearly *every* comic I read in the 1980s, superheroes eat Hostess Fruit Pies. Pie theft was a MAJOR issue in the Marvel Universe!
Shira: The 1980s were one long Hostess Fruit Pie theft epidemic. And we know that the cartoon versions of the Teen Titans are super into pizza.
Michael: And pie!
Shira: Well, just the Teen Titans Go! versions are into pie.
The original ones were very pizza-focused. I do not recall pie continuity.
Michael: Pizza is kind of a pie.
Shira: If we’re talking Titans, we should mention that Beast Boy is vegan, which totally makes sense for his character. Whereas Animal Man is canonically vegetarian, not vegan.
Michael: Yes. And we have to mention shawarma. It was in that superhero movie everybody liked! I think it was called Green Lantern.
Shira: YES EVERYBODY LOVED THE GREEN LANTERN
Michael: He’s the big one in ripped purple pants, right?
Shira: I think Lobo would eat anything. Lobo would eat Green Lantern. The entire Green Lantern Corps. That’s what really happened on Oa. Lobo.
Michael: Or a universe-hopping Galactus. Oa would be like roughage to him.
Ok, what about Batman – what DOES Alfred bring down to the batcave? (Seriously, this is the first time CtB has gotten a word in)
Shira: Oh, fancy stuff for sure. I was just wondering if Batman betrays his wealth via an unfamiliarity with street food. “It’s an Jamaican beef patty, Batman. Just try it.” (I miss beef patties SO MUCH.)
Michael: Batman Does Not Eat Nachos!
Shira: THERE YOU GO. Batman is fancy. Superman, on the other hand, I imagine loving stuff like pot roast.
Michael: How did we go this long without mentioning… Matter-Eater Lad!
Shira: Literally that is his superpower. He eats things. All the things.
Michael: Yup. The Legion of Super-Heroes are captured, he eats his way out of the cell.
How about some heroes who aren’t men?
Shira: You said it sister!
Michael: The Birds of Prey (Oracle, Huntress, Black Canary) are always eating pasta together.
Shira: I’m assuming that Kitty Pryde keeps somewhat kosher. Like, not strict Orthodox, because that would be difficult on her schedule. I can see her leading the seder at Xavier’s, though. Can you imagine the X-Men at a seder? Logan snorting about bondage…. I think Pixie’s the youngest these days and would have to do the four questions. The search for the afikomen would be epic.
Michael: Martian Manhunter loves Oreos.
Shira: See, I just woke up from a nap and am having trouble summoning food references. Also now I’m hungry.
Ok, best cook?
Shira: Well, Matter-Eater Lad is canonically a chef in two canons! But only The Flash can get every part of Thanksgiving dinner on the table simultaneously.
Michael: I would say the Human Torch for his grilling abilities, but then I remembered those Skrulls who were turned into cows by the Fantastic Four and went to a dark place.
Shira: …I’m glad we had steak last night, not tonight.
Michael: They actually were slaughtered and fed to other cows in Marvel continuity. Blame Grant Morrison and not me!
Shira: Oh, man. Grant Morrison. THAT’S HOW YOU GET CREUTZFELDT-JAKOB DISEASE.
Michael: Yes, I believe that was where he was going with that in Skrull Kill Krew
Quietly exits the dark place and oh look Superhero Iron Chef! Bok Choy, a cooler full of lobsters, seventeen varieties of mushrooms and ez cheese. What superhero chef makes what dish.
Shira: Aquaman makes VENGEANCE UPON YOU. Those poor lobsters.
Michael: Volstagg of the Warriors Three would probably cook up a good Lobster ThermiTHOR.
Shira: Galactus just eats the whole planet.
Thank you so much! Don’t forget to pick up your FREE COPY of Flying Higher, an Anthology of Superhero Poetry at the door, and tip your waiter!
Shira: And enjoy your Hostess Fruit Pies safely and legally. Thank you and goodnight.