The My Little Jhereg & Lunch of Locke Lamora Bartender’s Guide

In the worlds of Steven Brust’s My Little Jhereg and Scott Lynch’s Lunch of Locke Lamora, it’s always five o’clock somewhere. To help you keep your own cabinet stocked, Lynch and Brust, along with able assistant Jennifer Melchert, have teamed with Cooking the Books to unearth a very rare copy of: The My Little Jhereg and Lunch of Locke Lamora Bartender’s Guide.

Only one copy exists, and it is of no use trying to bribe any of us for access. None whatsoever.

To whet your appetite, enjoy these ten complementary beverages, on the house.

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THE FAT FANTASY SERIES

1 part vodka

1 part rum

1 dash pomegranate liqueur

1 part fresh pineapple juice

1 part cranberry juice

Garnish with two cherries and an orange slice. MUST BE on a little plastic sword.

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TO SERVE

1. Mix all ingredients except pineapple juice. Serve.

2. Inform customer that the pineapple juice doesn’t actually show up until the second drink.

3. Take order for second drink. Mix, then strain into equal portions in two glasses.

4. Serve first half of second drink. Inform customer the second drink has been split up, and the next half will be available in twenty minutes.

5. Serve second half of second drink. Take order for third drink.

6. To third drink, add Tabasco sauce, celery stalk, milk, and 1 part Coca-Cola. Serve.

7. Commiserate with customer. Agree wholeheartedly that third drink is a low point in the sequence and something of a failed experiment.

8. Take order for fourth drink. Agree wholeheartedly with customer that they don’t have a problem and can quit whenever they like.

CASTLE BLACK AND TAN:

Can of Guinness

Caramel piece

Paring knife

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TO SERVE:

1. Pare caramel into miniature castle.

2. Pour Guinness into glass.

3. Float castle on top.

THE ANTICIPATED BASTARD

2 parts bourbon

1 part ginger beer

Dash of fresh ginger muddled with brown sugar

Dash of Dr. Pepper OR orange bitters, to taste.

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TO SERVE

1. Hand standard highball glass to customer.

2. Customer holds the empty glass for five and a half years.

3. If customer is still there after five and a half years, retrieve glass, mix drink, serve over ice.

GODSLAYER

Equal Parts Bourbon and Everclear

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TO SERVE

Serve neat.

THE BARSAVI BARREL

1 part banana liqueur

1 part Bailey’s Irish cream

1 part colorless rum

2 parts pineapple juice

Dash of orange juice

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TO SERVE:

1. Shake all ingredients with ice and strain into a wooden mug, or anything appropriately tubby and cylindrical.

2. Garnish with an action figure completely submerged in the midst of the drink.

3. For added cloudiness, try a dash of sweet cream. For purists, eschew ice and serve lukewarm.

ELDER SORCERY:

Elderflower liqueur

Tonic

Red grapes

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TO SERVE:

1. Pour liqueur and tonic

2. Drop red grapes into bottom of glass.

THE FATE OF BELOVED CHARACTERS

1 highball glass

1 bottle of bitters

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TO SERVE:

1. Pour all the bitters into the glass.

2. Serve. Customer will garnish drink with own tears to taste.

ADRON’S DISASTER

Ginger schnapps

Tobasco Sauce

Ginger Beer

Dry Ice*

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TO SERVE:

1. Mix Ginger Schnapps with Tobasco Sauce

2. Fill glass with ginger beer to 1/8 inch from top of glass.

3. Drop in dry ice.

SEX AND DEATH ON THE BEACH

1 part vodka

1 part cranberry juice

1 part orange juice or pineapple juice to taste

1/2 part peach Schnapps

Dash of Amaretto

Dash of grenadine

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TO SERVE

1. Shake all ingredients except grenadine together with ice. Serve in a highball glass.

2. Drizzle the dash of grenadine to create a darker swirling red effect within the drink.

3. Garnish with a small plastic shark with a maraschino cherry in its jaws.

SEA OF AMORPHIA:

Neopolitan ice cream

Two shots absinthe

Two shots blue curaçao

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TO SERVE:

1. Put Ice cream in bowl.

2. Add absinthe and curacao, stir until half melted.

*Wait until the dry ice has evaporated if you’re desperate to sample the wonders of Schnapps with Tobasco Sauce. Drinking dry ice is a bad idea. No joke.

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Author Steven Brust is extremely happy that his upcoming novel, The Incrementalists, co-written with Skyler White, will appear in September 2013.

Author Scott Lynch’s much anticipated new novel, The Republic of Thieves will appear in October 2013.

More (serious) Cooking the Books interviews are available here.