The My Little Jhereg & Lunch of Locke Lamora Bartender’s Guide

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In the worlds of Steven Brust’s My Little Jhereg and Scott Lynch’s Lunch of Locke Lamora, it’s always five o’clock somewhere. To help you keep your own cabinet stocked, Lynch and Brust, along with able assistant Jennifer Melchert, have teamed with Cooking the Books to unearth a very rare copy of: The My Little Jhereg and Lunch of Locke Lamora Bartender’s Guide.

Only one copy exists, and it is of no use trying to bribe any of us for access. None whatsoever.

To whet your appetite, enjoy these ten complementary beverages, on the house.

*


THE FAT FANTASY SERIES
1 part vodka
1 part rum
1 dash pomegranate liqueur
1 part fresh pineapple juice
1 part cranberry juice
Garnish with two cherries and an orange slice. MUST BE on a little plastic sword.
*
TO SERVE
1. Mix all ingredients except pineapple juice. Serve.
2. Inform customer that the pineapple juice doesn’t actually show up until the second drink.
3. Take order for second drink. Mix, then strain into equal portions in two glasses.
4. Serve first half of second drink. Inform customer the second drink has been split up, and the next half will be available in twenty minutes.
5. Serve second half of second drink. Take order for third drink.
6. To third drink, add Tabasco sauce, celery stalk, milk, and 1 part Coca-Cola. Serve.
7. Commiserate with customer. Agree wholeheartedly that third drink is a low point in the sequence and something of a failed experiment.
8. Take order for fourth drink. Agree wholeheartedly with customer that they don’t have a problem and can quit whenever they like.
CASTLE BLACK AND TAN:
Can of Guinness
Caramel piece
Paring knife
*
TO SERVE:
1. Pare caramel into miniature castle.
2. Pour Guinness into glass.
3. Float castle on top.
THE ANTICIPATED BASTARD
2 parts bourbon
1 part ginger beer
Dash of fresh ginger muddled with brown sugar
Dash of Dr. Pepper OR orange bitters, to taste.
*
TO SERVE
1. Hand standard highball glass to customer.
2. Customer holds the empty glass for five and a half years.
3. If customer is still there after five and a half years, retrieve glass, mix drink, serve over ice.
GODSLAYER
Equal Parts Bourbon and Everclear
*
TO SERVE
Serve neat.
THE BARSAVI BARREL
1 part banana liqueur
1 part Bailey’s Irish cream
1 part colorless rum
2 parts pineapple juice
Dash of orange juice
 *
TO SERVE:
1. Shake all ingredients with ice and strain into a wooden mug, or anything appropriately tubby and cylindrical.
2. Garnish with an action figure completely submerged in the midst of the drink.
3. For added cloudiness, try a dash of sweet cream. For purists, eschew ice and serve lukewarm.
ELDER SORCERY:
Elderflower liqueur
Tonic
Red grapes
*
TO SERVE:
1. Pour liqueur and tonic
2. Drop red grapes into bottom of glass.
THE FATE OF BELOVED CHARACTERS
1 highball glass
1 bottle of bitters
 *
TO SERVE:
1. Pour all the bitters into the glass.
2. Serve. Customer will garnish drink with own tears to taste.
ADRON’S DISASTER
Ginger schnapps
Tobasco Sauce
Ginger Beer
Dry Ice*
*
TO SERVE:
1. Mix Ginger Schnapps with Tobasco Sauce
2. Fill glass with ginger beer to 1/8 inch from top of glass.
3. Drop in dry ice.
SEX AND DEATH ON THE BEACH
1 part vodka
1 part cranberry juice
1 part orange juice or pineapple juice to taste
1/2 part peach Schnapps
Dash of Amaretto
Dash of grenadine
*
TO SERVE
1. Shake all ingredients except grenadine together with ice. Serve in a highball glass.
2. Drizzle the dash of grenadine to create a darker swirling red effect within the drink.
3. Garnish with a small plastic shark with a maraschino cherry in its jaws.
SEA OF AMORPHIA:
Neopolitan ice cream
Two shots absinthe
Two shots blue curaçao
*
TO SERVE:
1. Put Ice cream in bowl.
2. Add absinthe and curacao, stir until half melted.

*Wait until the dry ice has evaporated if you’re desperate to sample the wonders of Schnapps with Tobasco Sauce. Drinking dry ice is a bad idea. No joke.


Author Steven Brust is extremely happy that his upcoming novel, The Incrementalists, co-written with Skyler White, will appear in September 2013.

Author Scott Lynch’s much anticipated new novel, The Republic of Thieves will appear in October 2013.

More (serious) Cooking the Books interviews are available here.

19 thoughts on “The My Little Jhereg & Lunch of Locke Lamora Bartender’s Guide

  1. This has motivated me to share some of my own recipes.

    Girl in a Fridge

    1 1/2 oz light rum
    1 tbsp triple sec
    1 1/2 oz lime juice
    1 tsp sugar
    1 cup crushed ice
    1 female action figure

    Combine all ingredients (except for the action figure) in an electric blender and blend at a low speed for five seconds, then blend at a high speed until firm. Pour contents into a champagne flute, fully submerge the girl, and serve to the hero and/or customer.

    Epileptic Trees

    1/2 fluid ounce dry vermouth
    4 fluid ounces gin
    2 celery stalks with leaves on

    Fill a cocktail shaker with ice. Pour in the vermouth, followed closely by the gin. Shake while counting to 30. Divide into two cocktail glasses and insert celery for garnish while the drink is still swirling.

    Chekhov’s Pistols

    12 oz orange juice
    12 oz lemonade
    1 1/3 cups water
    2.5 tbsp whiskey, or to taste
    dashes of black pepper, cinnamon, and cloves
    dash of Tabasco

    Stir first three ingredients together in a pitcher until blended. Stir in whiskey and spices, and divide into two glasses. Set them in view of your customers. Wait until Act III, then add the Tabasco and serve.

  2. I love everything about these recipes! And, feeling inspired, I offer one of my own…

    The Atwood

    Ingredients: 5 bottles with the labels peeled off.
    Directions: Combine contents of the five bottles, and serve in an elegant glass. When customers identify any one of your ingredients and praise your use of it, alternately throw a bottle at their head, compliment the refined nature of their palate, spit in their drink, or offer them the next round on the house, to taste.

  3. Monty Python variation to the Castle Black & Tan: whittle a dozen caramel castles and drop them into the Guiness one at a time, stacking them up until the last one is visible at the surface.

  4. I’m just wondering….as a non-drinker, you understand…if you put The Anticipated Bastard in a very tall glass, does it become The Long-Anticipated Bastard?

    (Ahem. This is most definitively NOT meant as a dig but as a squee that the next book will be out soonsoonsoon. :-D)

  5. I read The Lies of Locke Lamora this past weekend, and I have a request: Can you get Scott Lynch to do a regular interview with you? I was struck by the role food plays in the story and how much thought he put into it at all levels.

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